One of my friends recently shared on Facebook that she was struggling with being newly home with her second Chinese son.  She received so many encouraging comments, it was beautiful!  But she also received a hurtful comment implying that parenting biological and adopted children is exactly the same, and she should roll with the punches because everyone else had been through the same things with their new children.  Although I know this could be true in some cases, I also know that parenting adopted children is sometimes very different.

Of course, each child is unique and different.  There is no one-size-fits-all status for any child, biological or adopted.  But as a parent of both biological and adopted children, I see the differences, even years after they become part of the family.  Parenting a child who may have been institutionalized for the first part of their life – who may not have had someone to meet their needs consistently, who may not have been loved or told how precious they are, who may have been neglected or abused – can be very challenging and delicate compared to parenting a child who was loved and had his/her needs met consistently from the beginning.

While I know that biological children can also present significant challenges, institutionalization introduces a number of issues that are simply not common with biological children.  Children who have been institutionalized are often traumatized, hurt, and delayed.  Sadly, children generally lose one month of development and linear growth for every three months they are institutionalized.  Our children often come to us with maladaptive, fear-based behaviors that they learned for survival.  Adoptive parents usually don’t share most of those behaviors with others to protect their hurting children.

Teaching children who came from hard places that they have parents who love them unconditionally and will meet their needs often takes a lot of intentionality and time.  This may include not letting anyone hold newly adopted children or help with any basic needs until they are firmly attached and bonded to their new parents.  As much as adoptive parents may want and desperately need the help that is very naturally accepted when bringing biological newborns home, they oftentimes hold off with adopted children because they know it’s best for the children.  Because there is often not a consistent caregiver in their past, children from hard places typically learn to depend on only themselves to survive.

Survive is defined as “to continue to live or exist, in spite of danger or hardship.”  Survival is the most basic human instinct that children shouldn’t have to worry about.  If consistency in care is lacking, children quickly learn that they can only depend on themselves.  They live in constant fear that their needs will not be met, or worse yet, that they will be harmed.  Oftentimes the only way to teach children from hard places that mama and daddy will always be there for them is to be the only people to meet their needs.  As parents, it’s exhausting and isolating.

Add in the difficulties of parenting a new toddler (or older child in many cases) with a very clear personality, for the first time … the road can be much harder and may look quite different than parenting biological children.  Throw in a the possibility of a language barrier, institutional delays, weekly therapies, and medical special needs … it all just compounds how difficult adoptive parenting can be.

It may be easy to look at the beautiful airport homecoming pictures and new family portraits and think the family is filled with love and everything is perfect.  The truth is the family is filled with love and it is very beautiful indeed, but things are not always perfect.

Fortunately we cling daily to His perfect love and never-ending mercy, and that shines through in the pretty pictures.  It is only from the Father that we have the strength in those first few months (or sometimes years).  Only He makes beauty from ashes and has the ability to redeem the brokenness of adoption.  His beauty and truth always shine through.

I don’t think adoptive parents should be pitied, nor do they deserve a big pat on the back.  Every parent messes up and needs Jesus desperately!  I write it only to offer a different perspective and to hopefully share that parenting biological and adopted children can sometimes be very different. It’s difficult to understand for most people who haven’t parented children from hard places. I get that.  But when adoptive parents are struggling through something tough and are asking for support and prayer, it may not always be the normal everyday parenting stuff.

Of course, it is ALL worth it. Totally worth it. Biological or adopted, it doesn’t matter – every bit of it is worth it. Every child who we have the privilege of parenting here on earth is precious and unique. We get such a special opportunity to borrow them for a bit from the Father to train them up!  It is surely beautiful and we are overwhelmed with love.  Our children are gifts from the Lord and it is our privilege to parent them.