Let’s talk compassion fatigue, friends.

Especially as we are now beginning the sixth week of the Covid-19 quarantine in Maryland, compassion fatigue is becoming a bigger reality for many parents and caregivers, particularly for those who are parenting children with hard starts and special needs.

What is compassion fatigue?

The adoptive and foster families I work with sometimes describe how the relentlessness of daily care for their children with developmental trauma can lead to exhaustion and burnout because it persistently requires so much of them.  They have so little time for their own emotional and physical care because they are constantly pouring into their children to help them heal.  Likewise, they share that parenting their children with hard starts can be isolating and lonely given the lack of time and energy to nurture their own friendships and social activities, along with not always having peers who really gets what they’re experiencing.

Sound familiar?

I wish it weren’t a reality, but compassion fatigue can be a serious struggle, even more now as parents are required to remain at home with no break or possibility of respite.  Sarah Naish describes it as “a result of the emotional, physical, and biological demands on a parent who is living with a traumatized child.”

I believe compassion fatigue can also affect parents who are caring for children with special needs.  And truthfully, given that so many parents are now at home with their children 24/7 while also trying to juggle work schedules and other demands, I’d argue even further that compassion fatigue could be a potentially growing concern for all families.

There are three main factors to consider:

1. “Burnout can be described as feelings of physical and emotional exhaustion. Symptoms include anger, frustration, hopelessness, depression and feeling inefficient in your job.
2. Secondary traumatic stress develops when an individual hears about the trauma of others and is directly affected. Symptoms are similar to post traumatic stress disorder experiencing intrusive images, sleep difficulties, problems with concentration, irritability and anger.
3. Compassion satisfaction is the pleasure carers get from their work in terms of feeling satisfied with the job and also satisfaction from the helping itself. Compassion satisfaction is believed to moderate the effects of burnout and secondary traumatic stress.”

So how do we support ourselves to overcome compassion fatigue?  First, we need to extend ourselves grace upon grace and remember that it’s perfectly okay to not get things perfectly.  After all, there are no perfect parents.  Secondly, we can promote compassion satisfaction by prioritizing our own self care and nurturing the relationships that give us life.  Here are 10 tangible ways to help make that a reality:

1. Make it a priority to connect with your spouse every day.  Even if it’s just for 10 minutes laying in bed together at the end of the day, try cuddling or holding hands while chatting.  Or have even more fun together if you’re up for it 😉 The stress of parenting children with developmental trauma or special needs makes intentionally pursuing our spouses an absolute requirement to stay connected.  It’s so important that spouses receive unconditional support from each other to stay grounded and healthy.
2. Lean on your tribe. A supportive community is essential in this adoption/foster/kinship care/special needs parenting gig.  It’s so necessary that we rely on friends who have a mutual understanding of our experiences and will listen without judgment and without trying to offer up a quick fix.  The truth is that there isn’t always an answer to every situation and we sometimes just want to be heard.  A sounding board to whom we can share openly without needing to carefully choose our words is crucial.  If you do not have someone who can do that for you, please get in touch with me and I will make a connection for you.  No one can do this alone.
3. Consider a mindfulness practice. Mindfulness is a proven antidote to trauma.  Nothing complicated is necessary, start with a few minutes each day.  Soft Belly Breathing or simply noticing how you’re feeling is a great way to get started.
4. Get restorative sleep. There are too many reasons to list here regarding why sleep is essential, but it must be prioritized so we can put our best foot forward.  Skip the Netflix show and do this one good thing for yourself.
5. Wake up a little earlier than your kids.  Going to bed earlier allows you to wake up earlier.  Even if it’s just 20 minutes to yourself for a cup of coffee, breathing, or prayer/Bible study***, creating a morning ritual can set a positive tone for the day and help you pour from a fuller cup.
6. Get Outside.  There are many reasons why getting a daily dose of nature is important for our self care, but research also shows that getting just 30 minutes of sunlight per week can lower the risk of depression.  It also helps to set our natural circadian rhythm, which fuels our ability to sleep well at night.
7. Nourish your body.  Yes, eating well is often much easier said than done.  It’s important to try though.  A properly fueled body helps our brain to function more optimally, which helps us to to respond better and not flip our lids as situations arise.  Plus, we simply feel better.  Instead of focusing on what you might cut out of your diet, consider what you can add into your routine.  Start with the lowest hanging fruit.  Maybe it’s as simple as trying to drink a few more glasses of water each day or adding a side salad with dinner.
8. Do something creative.  What do you love to do?  What brings you life?  Maybe it’s curling up with a good book, maybe it’s gardening, maybe it’s gratitude journaling, or maybe it’s art.  Whatever it is, try making time for it at least once a week.
9. Get respite care.  I realize this is quite difficult with our current circumstances, but getting a break can be exactly what we crave and need the most to refuel our tanks.  If we redefine respite care to even just 30 minutes of not being in charge, perhaps we can ask a spouse or older sibling to help so we can fill our diffusers with some calming oils and take a bath.  Or a nap.  Or enjoy that stack of magazines that’s collecting dust.  Or play with our pet dogs or cats or chickens.  Or maybe hide in the bathroom and eat some dark chocolate.
10. Nurture the relationships with your kids.  I realize this sounds counterintuitive.  But here’s why it’s important to connect with our kids every day … they absolutely need the relationship with us to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure.  Part of that includes balancing out the necessary structure and correction with healthy doses of nurture.  Though there are never quick fixes, we parents must pour into our children and pursue them ruthlessly in order to help them heal.  They need to know that they’re lovable and worthy of being with to feel how precious and valuable they are.  Aim for an attainable goal of 5-10 minutes per child per day.  Real, attuned, connecting time together with no agenda.  Nothing fancy, we simply need to be present.  Pick times when you’re both calm and using your rational, thinking brain.  I’ll also be bold and suggest to start with the child who you struggle to connect with the most.  HERE is a fantastic list from Tapestry that offers 100 ways to connect with and nurture our kids.  The positive, joyful moments are so needed, for our children and for ourselves!

In all circumstances, celebrate every victory, no matter how small.  We’re all in this together.  Be well.

***Consider the Created to Connect Bible Study Guide, meant to go along with The Connected Child.  It’s free!  I also love this sweet 30-day devotional, Faith, Hope, & Connection, written by my dear friend.