I process hard stuff through writing.  I have for as long as I can remember.  In fact, I’ve written about my Daddy every year since he went home to Jesus.  (year 3 year 2 year 1)  I truly can’t believe it’s been four years because the time has passed so quickly.  But at the same time, it feels like a lifetime ago when I last heard his reassuring voice and experienced his unconditional glances of acceptance and pride.

Oh, how I miss him so.

Christmas presents an odd challenge for me.  I’ve spent the last four years trying to figure out what a normal celebration looks like.  The first anniversary of my Daddy’s passing was intentionally abnormal because it was simply too painful to try to fake it.  But the years since have been filled with me trying to figure out what it looks like without him here.

For the first time since he passed, I truly feel like Christmas feels like Christmas.

I almost feel a little guilty sitting here alone while my amazing hubby takes the kids out of the house so I have the opportunity to reflect.  Because I feel good.  Happy, even, as I anticipate the specialness of our family gatherings over the next few days.  But then I remind myself that it’s good to remember, and it’s ok to take the time to do it.  To reflect on my Daddy’s life and all it meant.  His life has so completely shaped who I am today.  Spending a few hours thinking about that is sacred.  It’s a holy time that needs space, even if it’s just once a year.

As I sit here in the calm, I can’t help but think about family traditions.  My brothers and I have kept many of the traditions that my Daddy began with us years ago.  But you know what?  We’ve started new ones too.  And I think that’s good.  It’s important to do new things without getting stuck on the way things used to be.  It’s bittersweet without him here, but it’s ok.  We will always carry on his memory through our relationships.  He was all about relationships, so I know he’d approve.

My brothers and I are closer than ever, and we value our connection in a way we simply didn’t before.  I hate that it took my Daddy passing, but I’m incredibly thankful for them and the family heritage that we carry on.  Through the old traditions and the new ones.